Five years ago I pick-up up and left Kansas to find my way in life to be able to give something to me daughter after her mother and I broke up. I didn’t wanted the break-up, I would have suffered for her to give her what I thought was the best. A dysfunctional marriage would not have been the “best”… so I left. I left with nothing but the ringing of “You ain’t sh!t” in my heart that hurt from my daughter’s mother. Not because I was not trying. I was not rich. I could provide the “bling” lifestyle, so I wasn’t sh!t. Mind you at the time I was walking to work in the dead of winter and had given her my car and helped furnished her apartment.
Forty dollars, and a suitcase to my name I moved to D.C. sleeping on the floor with no family. I had a job. My mother asked why? How would I make it? My only response was “I have to go and be a man.” With no real solid answer I continued “find my way”...Like most my father was not around. My mother did great with me, God Bless her heart. There are gaps though that no woman can fill when “manhood” is concerned. That is up to that boy to become a man or not, a father or not.
I left my heart, my daughter, and sole being and motivation. I still remember the flight attendant who caught me trying to face so far into the plane window to hide my embarrassing tears she gave me a seat in the rare of the plane. Phoenix was only one years old at the time. Many days and nights I was to depressed to want to her hear voice goo and gag into the phone or say “DaDa.” She was born on Father’s Days…Ever since that day I promised God to do right by my gift. As much as she is my baby, she’s his baby. She changed me in a way that only saved people find God or get reacquainted with him.
Five years later, as she is going on six years old, but thinks she twenty-six and some change. I called her to fight depression, and to find motivation. Her voice lifts me up and let me know there is reason to go on. She is my little legacy and God gifts to me. Even when she calls early in the morning she’s my Sunshine and God’s everyday gift to me. I couldn’t hide the fact she’s the only woman to make me cry if I think long enough like this past Tuesday morning Jun 12, 2008
“Daddy you sleep?”
“Hello”
“Daddy..wake..up!
“Heyyy baby…”
“Get up we need to talk!”
It’s funny to receive a phone call early in the morning from a five year that is campaigning and hashing out her birthday plans. Everything is as organized and straight forward as nature and the seasons in the little heads of children.
“When are you coming to pick me up? I miss you.” She said excited in wait for my reply. “And I want to go the water park for my birthday. Schlitterbahn water park in Texas.”
“What do you know about Schlitterbahn? That’s where daddy went when he was a young boy.”
“I saw it on television.”
Smiling as I lay in bed. Knowing without having talked to her that’s where I planned on taking her in way.
I lay there thinking back. Realizing that what I wanted in life is solely based upon her happiness, her comfort, her well-being. Overwhelmed, tears formed in the corners of my eyes at the thought this child, my child, and a gift from God is all that matters. I see it not as a burden to have a child, but a gift from God. A responsibility from him to me, to fail her is failing him. Fatherhood is that simple to me. To take care of my child and let her know she is love, and be a positive light in her life.
“Daddy! Are you listening?”
“I want to change day cares. They are getting on my last nerves.”
Lost in my moment of tears and thinking of her she had been holding a full fledge conversation about the important factors in her life. Her dislike of her current daycare and going to a water park for her birthday summed up the weight of her childhood worries. I found my morning humor and motivation in them.
“I’m listening baby. And you can’t change daycares. Okay.”
“Oookay”
I sniffled and her alert ears heard curiously.
“Are you crying daddy?”
What was the point of lying to five year old. With her, my heart and child, there are no egos, no prides to hides, no half-truth to be ashamed, just honesty. Honesty that is as pure as hers. I already knew all her questions to follow “Why are you crying?” “Why, are you crying if you’re not sad?”
“Yeah, baby daddy is crying. He is crying because he love you. You know you made daddy a man. So daddy is happy. Crying happy.”
“Ohh…” she paused and absorbed all she needed to understand and discarded the rest.
“When are you coming to pick me up? I miss you.”
“The last week of July baby. Just you and me. I promise and pinky swear.”
“Yay! I love you daddy. Get up for work now! I love bye-bye…”
“I love you to baby talk to you tonight. I love you. Gimme my sugar!”
Muahhh
I love my daughter and all the profound moments she brings to me. All that she reveals about me to myself, I often feel naked in those moments of finding self. She is in Oklahoma and I’m in D.C. Yet she always make it seems like I’m less than a mile away.
“When are you coming to pick me up? I miss you.”
“When you leaving DC to come get me?”
My Father’s Day is everyday every picture in my office, every screen saver, every thought, and the echo of her voice in my head that can bring a tear in heat beat.
When share our favorite song and the only song that would put her to sleep as a baby and to this day “This Woman’s Work”
Pharaoh Robinson
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
America: My Gift and My Curse, My Pride and Pain
I am a 29 year old professional young black man. I grew up in Wichita, Ks. and attended an all Black Catholic Elementary a middle school. Then I went on to an all white catholic high school. I experienced a glimpse of America as began to journey into it as a young black man. I like Michelle Obama is for the first time really proud to be an American a patriotic American. White America will ask why? Let me explain…
For the first time in a long time America is facing what it had been scared to do, which is truly voice our thoughts on America Racial Issues. Americans of all color are paying attention and facing America's darkest secret of race...and how far we have come and not come. I know black and whites alike that are uncertain if this country is truly ready for a Black Man as president. Black and whites alike fear for his life and the set backs if such an event as Hillary Clinton stated for not dropping out of the race of the Presidency.
My great-great grandmother 100 years old as of May 2008 use to share with me as a boy what American history book in my schools would not. She shared with me what American government would not. She shared with me what many White Americans of the 1930’s, the 1940’s, the 1950’s, and the 1960’s may have chose not share with some of there kids and grandchildren about how they may have treated blacks or how black were treated. She talked about working on a plantation as little girl post-slavery. The friends she lost, the stories her parents told her about life slavery. I learned of a history that has been brushed under a rug. I know of times purposely drown at the bottom of the sea, that today most Americans alike are blind to. She told me to find out about my history about my America.
People of Color have benefited from the Civil Rights era in general. One of the largest immigration came during that time. The larger percentage of America only knows the bleached, down played version of American history and racism. You know like I know why it was kept out of American Educational History books... Why are there no pre-elevation systems of African Americans not mentioned??? The Atlantic Slave Trade, Chattel Slavery, the battle over Emancipation Proclamation of Slaves, Brussels Conference Act of 1890, post-slavery plantations, 1900 to 1940’s Lynching’s, Whites Only/Coloreds only, the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment, the foundation of the government’s Jim Crow Laws, Separate but Equal, Brown v. Board of Education, Dred Scott v. Sandford, the psychological systems of breaking blacks for the processing of slavery, the foundation of Wall Street America’s 1st Fortunate 500 Company (Slavery), the first largest import/export product was not TEA it was Africans/Human beings. The slap in the face of the most common human emotion, love, with the Anti-Miscegenation Amendment. This basically forbade interracial marriages nation-wide. Yet this portion of American history is referred to as simply a black-eye instead of a disease.
Some will say get over it. Some scream old news. They are acting like victims, can you just let it go? Some will say White America has helped endlessly to elevate Black Americans with endless scholarships, funding, and grants. Whites have helped and many Blacks have capitalized on it. The gift and curse about American Social Systems aiding African Americans only came about after the inhumane governmental systems of racism that were and are in place unfortunately. Justifiably so, I agree that strides have been made. Let us not forget or be blind to the government systems that were in place. Inhumane systems that would not be needed if Democracy was represented equally, or a equally educated Black, White, or any man of color were hired based purely on character/knowledge/rapport/skills. Instead we are a nation so steeped in the color of skin America is naked for the world to see no longer is it in the dark. Our struggle with democracy in America is very different. Considering the fact blacks were first seen as animals, tradable livestock, economic bargaining tools, stock, and so forth before being seen as human beings in America. We were seen as 3/5th a man, with no right to vote in the Three-Fifths Compromise. We were then seen as outcast citizens and treat with hatred and distain.
The roots are just now truly being mentioned that peaceful man of change Martin Luther King was assassinated. The whites who march with black are never mentioned! His story is just now really being told, often cast in black and white film to be made to seem like it was oh so long ago. The government killed a man of peaceful protest who marched in the name of change.
Educational and media outlets alike do not focused on black Americans in a positive "light". If it’s not sport or entertainment you wouldn’t see ninety percent of Black Americans on T.V. Going even further to how far America has not come in terms of Race Relations. Even the formerly black-owned BET does not choose to enlighten or educated Black Americans wit the sufficient knowledge of black experiences in American history. Yet, glorifying nameless unimportant Black American Gangster in the name of “up-liftment”… If it weren’t for Sports or Entertainment America would more than likely be the most segregated nation around.
I do not condone Reverend Wright’s comments either. Yet, I understand where he may have been trying to go. He preaches from an angered heart seemly. That mixes some truth, with some empty rhetoric. Then I think about what era he grew up in? What America did he see? What America did he experience? And I can relate, but not allow my heart to harbor the same resentment. When just a year ago while I was doing my job and was asked “When is Fried-chicken Day?” by a group of white co-workers at my government agency or having “nigger” carved on my locker in high school or the occasional white woman that grips her purse, as I counter with warm hello and a smile to ease tension. Maybe I was spared, okay, I know I was spared the trite humdrum racial experience of that time. American History needs not bended truths like his for us to face our past as Americans. That’s something we are doing, and facing as white and blacks alike are voting for a Black Man.
Obama’s position as Black Man has to the most difficult since Martin Luther King. He is black and white, seemly he is not black or white enough, or middle of the road enough to win “US” Americans over. You see he is an “example” of the unspoken pain, resentment, a broken chain of untraditional conformity, he is change, and fear we have buried in America for too long. Maybe one day America embrace itself, it’s brethrens, it’s kin no matter our skin color and change…maybe one day we’ll change…with or without him as president…
As Obama has tried to run a “race forward” “let move on campaign” a “time for change” time and time again America speaks. America sometimes speaks in favor of this man, sometimes against this man, in racist tongues, in color-blind tongues, and/or political tongues. He is tied to both sides. Hopefully he will be judged on his politics, character, knowledge, passion and content. Not the color of his skin or black blood and white blood.
For many Black Americans this is a very proud time for the first time, as may be the case for White Americans as in terms of race, change, and social progress. Michelle Obama was speaking for more people than realized. The complexity of being black and our experience under American Democracy is an abstract, a soulful tug-of-war at times, a pursuit of happiness, and a constant cycle of change toward progress. America is my gift and curse, my pride and pain. Unlike yester years, today, I want my bricks of history, culture, ingenuity, love, and patriotism to be embrace and not short-changed or thought of as less than.
“I love my country though it has shown and reminded me time and time again I am a Black Man…yet I am American…I am proud…I am for change…I am patriot for the Democracy that escapes it’s own true meaning at times. “ – Cory Robinson 2008
For the first time in a long time America is facing what it had been scared to do, which is truly voice our thoughts on America Racial Issues. Americans of all color are paying attention and facing America's darkest secret of race...and how far we have come and not come. I know black and whites alike that are uncertain if this country is truly ready for a Black Man as president. Black and whites alike fear for his life and the set backs if such an event as Hillary Clinton stated for not dropping out of the race of the Presidency.
My great-great grandmother 100 years old as of May 2008 use to share with me as a boy what American history book in my schools would not. She shared with me what American government would not. She shared with me what many White Americans of the 1930’s, the 1940’s, the 1950’s, and the 1960’s may have chose not share with some of there kids and grandchildren about how they may have treated blacks or how black were treated. She talked about working on a plantation as little girl post-slavery. The friends she lost, the stories her parents told her about life slavery. I learned of a history that has been brushed under a rug. I know of times purposely drown at the bottom of the sea, that today most Americans alike are blind to. She told me to find out about my history about my America.
People of Color have benefited from the Civil Rights era in general. One of the largest immigration came during that time. The larger percentage of America only knows the bleached, down played version of American history and racism. You know like I know why it was kept out of American Educational History books... Why are there no pre-elevation systems of African Americans not mentioned??? The Atlantic Slave Trade, Chattel Slavery, the battle over Emancipation Proclamation of Slaves, Brussels Conference Act of 1890, post-slavery plantations, 1900 to 1940’s Lynching’s, Whites Only/Coloreds only, the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment, the foundation of the government’s Jim Crow Laws, Separate but Equal, Brown v. Board of Education, Dred Scott v. Sandford, the psychological systems of breaking blacks for the processing of slavery, the foundation of Wall Street America’s 1st Fortunate 500 Company (Slavery), the first largest import/export product was not TEA it was Africans/Human beings. The slap in the face of the most common human emotion, love, with the Anti-Miscegenation Amendment. This basically forbade interracial marriages nation-wide. Yet this portion of American history is referred to as simply a black-eye instead of a disease.
Some will say get over it. Some scream old news. They are acting like victims, can you just let it go? Some will say White America has helped endlessly to elevate Black Americans with endless scholarships, funding, and grants. Whites have helped and many Blacks have capitalized on it. The gift and curse about American Social Systems aiding African Americans only came about after the inhumane governmental systems of racism that were and are in place unfortunately. Justifiably so, I agree that strides have been made. Let us not forget or be blind to the government systems that were in place. Inhumane systems that would not be needed if Democracy was represented equally, or a equally educated Black, White, or any man of color were hired based purely on character/knowledge/rapport/skills. Instead we are a nation so steeped in the color of skin America is naked for the world to see no longer is it in the dark. Our struggle with democracy in America is very different. Considering the fact blacks were first seen as animals, tradable livestock, economic bargaining tools, stock, and so forth before being seen as human beings in America. We were seen as 3/5th a man, with no right to vote in the Three-Fifths Compromise. We were then seen as outcast citizens and treat with hatred and distain.
The roots are just now truly being mentioned that peaceful man of change Martin Luther King was assassinated. The whites who march with black are never mentioned! His story is just now really being told, often cast in black and white film to be made to seem like it was oh so long ago. The government killed a man of peaceful protest who marched in the name of change.
Educational and media outlets alike do not focused on black Americans in a positive "light". If it’s not sport or entertainment you wouldn’t see ninety percent of Black Americans on T.V. Going even further to how far America has not come in terms of Race Relations. Even the formerly black-owned BET does not choose to enlighten or educated Black Americans wit the sufficient knowledge of black experiences in American history. Yet, glorifying nameless unimportant Black American Gangster in the name of “up-liftment”… If it weren’t for Sports or Entertainment America would more than likely be the most segregated nation around.
I do not condone Reverend Wright’s comments either. Yet, I understand where he may have been trying to go. He preaches from an angered heart seemly. That mixes some truth, with some empty rhetoric. Then I think about what era he grew up in? What America did he see? What America did he experience? And I can relate, but not allow my heart to harbor the same resentment. When just a year ago while I was doing my job and was asked “When is Fried-chicken Day?” by a group of white co-workers at my government agency or having “nigger” carved on my locker in high school or the occasional white woman that grips her purse, as I counter with warm hello and a smile to ease tension. Maybe I was spared, okay, I know I was spared the trite humdrum racial experience of that time. American History needs not bended truths like his for us to face our past as Americans. That’s something we are doing, and facing as white and blacks alike are voting for a Black Man.
Obama’s position as Black Man has to the most difficult since Martin Luther King. He is black and white, seemly he is not black or white enough, or middle of the road enough to win “US” Americans over. You see he is an “example” of the unspoken pain, resentment, a broken chain of untraditional conformity, he is change, and fear we have buried in America for too long. Maybe one day America embrace itself, it’s brethrens, it’s kin no matter our skin color and change…maybe one day we’ll change…with or without him as president…
As Obama has tried to run a “race forward” “let move on campaign” a “time for change” time and time again America speaks. America sometimes speaks in favor of this man, sometimes against this man, in racist tongues, in color-blind tongues, and/or political tongues. He is tied to both sides. Hopefully he will be judged on his politics, character, knowledge, passion and content. Not the color of his skin or black blood and white blood.
For many Black Americans this is a very proud time for the first time, as may be the case for White Americans as in terms of race, change, and social progress. Michelle Obama was speaking for more people than realized. The complexity of being black and our experience under American Democracy is an abstract, a soulful tug-of-war at times, a pursuit of happiness, and a constant cycle of change toward progress. America is my gift and curse, my pride and pain. Unlike yester years, today, I want my bricks of history, culture, ingenuity, love, and patriotism to be embrace and not short-changed or thought of as less than.
“I love my country though it has shown and reminded me time and time again I am a Black Man…yet I am American…I am proud…I am for change…I am patriot for the Democracy that escapes it’s own true meaning at times. “ – Cory Robinson 2008
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