The Girl, That Grew Up A Boy To A Man

Five years ago I pick-up up and left Kansas to find my way in life to be able to give something to me daughter after her mother and I broke up. I didn’t wanted the break-up, I would have suffered for her to give her what I thought was the best. A dysfunctional marriage would not have been the “best”… so I left. I left with nothing but the ringing of “You ain’t sh!t” in my heart that hurt from my daughter’s mother. Not because I was not trying. I was not rich. I could provide the “bling” lifestyle, so I wasn’t sh!t. Mind you at the time I was walking to work in the dead of winter and had given her my car and helped furnished her apartment.

Forty dollars, and a suitcase to my name I moved to D.C. sleeping on the floor with no family. I had a job. My mother asked why? How would I make it? My only response was “I have to go and be a man.” With no real solid answer I continued “find my way”...Like most my father was not around. My mother did great with me, God Bless her heart. There are gaps though that no woman can fill when “manhood” is concerned. That is up to that boy to become a man or not, a father or not.

I left my heart, my daughter, and sole being and motivation. I still remember the flight attendant who caught me trying to face so far into the plane window to hide my embarrassing tears she gave me a seat in the rare of the plane. Phoenix was only one years old at the time. Many days and nights I was to depressed to want to her hear voice goo and gag into the phone or say “DaDa.” She was born on Father’s Days…Ever since that day I promised God to do right by my gift. As much as she is my baby, she’s his baby. She changed me in a way that only saved people find God or get reacquainted with him.
Five years later, as she is going on six years old, but thinks she twenty-six and some change. I called her to fight depression, and to find motivation. Her voice lifts me up and let me know there is reason to go on. She is my little legacy and God gifts to me. Even when she calls early in the morning she’s my Sunshine and God’s everyday gift to me. I couldn’t hide the fact she’s the only woman to make me cry if I think long enough like this past Tuesday morning Jun 12, 2008

“Daddy you sleep?”
“Hello”
“Daddy..wake..up!
“Heyyy baby…”
“Get up we need to talk!”

It’s funny to receive a phone call early in the morning from a five year that is campaigning and hashing out her birthday plans. Everything is as organized and straight forward as nature and the seasons in the little heads of children.

“When are you coming to pick me up? I miss you.” She said excited in wait for my reply. “And I want to go the water park for my birthday. Schlitterbahn water park in Texas.”

“What do you know about Schlitterbahn? That’s where daddy went when he was a young boy.”
“I saw it on television.”

Smiling as I lay in bed. Knowing without having talked to her that’s where I planned on taking her in way.

I lay there thinking back. Realizing that what I wanted in life is solely based upon her happiness, her comfort, her well-being. Overwhelmed, tears formed in the corners of my eyes at the thought this child, my child, and a gift from God is all that matters. I see it not as a burden to have a child, but a gift from God. A responsibility from him to me, to fail her is failing him. Fatherhood is that simple to me. To take care of my child and let her know she is love, and be a positive light in her life.

“Daddy! Are you listening?”
“I want to change day cares. They are getting on my last nerves.”

Lost in my moment of tears and thinking of her she had been holding a full fledge conversation about the important factors in her life. Her dislike of her current daycare and going to a water park for her birthday summed up the weight of her childhood worries. I found my morning humor and motivation in them.

“I’m listening baby. And you can’t change daycares. Okay.”
“Oookay”
I sniffled and her alert ears heard curiously.


“Are you crying daddy?”

What was the point of lying to five year old. With her, my heart and child, there are no egos, no prides to hides, no half-truth to be ashamed, just honesty. Honesty that is as pure as hers. I already knew all her questions to follow “Why are you crying?” “Why, are you crying if you’re not sad?”

“Yeah, baby daddy is crying. He is crying because he love you. You know you made daddy a man. So daddy is happy. Crying happy.”

“Ohh…” she paused and absorbed all she needed to understand and discarded the rest.

“When are you coming to pick me up? I miss you.”
“The last week of July baby. Just you and me. I promise and pinky swear.”
“Yay! I love you daddy. Get up for work now! I love bye-bye…”
“I love you to baby talk to you tonight. I love you. Gimme my sugar!”
Muahhh

I love my daughter and all the profound moments she brings to me. All that she reveals about me to myself, I often feel naked in those moments of finding self. She is in Oklahoma and I’m in D.C. Yet she always make it seems like I’m less than a mile away.

“When are you coming to pick me up? I miss you.”
“When you leaving DC to come get me?”

My Father’s Day is everyday every picture in my office, every screen saver, every thought, and the echo of her voice in my head that can bring a tear in heat beat.

When share our favorite song and the only song that would put her to sleep as a baby and to this day “This Woman’s Work”